It's hard to admit, but it's true and if there's anything I aim to be, it's honest.
You may be wondering what I'm so afraid of. Perhaps the birth of my baby or becoming a new parent? While those things certainly bring up a lot of emotions, I don't find much fear there. No, that's not it at all.
The past few months have been tough. To be honest, I'm tired of bringing it up, but when you go through something so heart wrenching, it lingers. Never one to stay down too long, I've finally managed to pull myself up by the bootstraps, put one foot in front of the other, and regain some ground. But there's still a lingering fear that has brought me to a place where, at times, I feel I no longer recognize myself.
It's scary to look in the mirror and see a version of yourself that you never imagined would show. Unfortunately, I spent a lot of time allowing other people opinions of me shake me down. Instead of finding my voice and speaking with conviction, I found myself acting from a place of fear, which is never productive and not something I normally subscribe to. I wake up in the middle of the night scared of the uncertainty swirling around me. When I reflected, I found that I shrunk.
That's right, I've held back and even said "no" on occasion to opportunities that have presented themselves since I regained my health. While I'm still not 100%, there are plenty of things I can do. Why hold back? Because when I teach and write it comes from a place of authenticity, which leaves me vulnerable. Somehow I allowed myself to stay so wide open that the cuts were deep. Let's face it, I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm so grateful to have a strong spiritual practice in place. While the dark side of all I've been living has made some days downright depressing, the light of knowledge gained over years of study and practice has aided in keeping some of those shadows at bay for long enough that the sun is starting to peer through again.
Here's my action plan for getting away from fear and back to my Self.
I choose not to be afraid and trust that everything will work out.