I have a headache and my jaw hurts. At times I feel like I can't breathe. My body is giving me physical signs that I'm stressed. I am working to slow down and listen. Beyond planning the wedding, I've been looking for new teaching opportunities and thinking about more soluble content for this blog. I'm ready to evolve Capricious Yogi, I'm just not clear yet on where to begin. There's a lot on my mind.
Additionally, this past weekend was my grandmother's unveiling. She passed away last July, just two months before my mom. She was my mom's mother and my last living grandparent. Losing so much close family has been rough. Sometimes I feel like my roots were pulled out from underneath me. In a way they were. Needless to day, it's been a rough year.
|me and grandma Bea, 2007|
In case you're interested, the unveiling of the headstone in the Jewish tradition takes place within the year following a loved one's passing. I was unable to attend my grandmother's funeral last July because that very same weekend my mother's condition worsened and we thought we might lose her that weekend so I flew to be with her instead. Luckily, she was with us for two more months.
Because I was unable to attend the funeral, I never felt like I had a proper goodbye. And because so much was going on with my mom at the time, I wasn't able to be there for grandma as much as I wanted. I had hoped this weekend would bring some closure and in some ways it did. We told stories about her all weekend and talked about growing up and knowing her--we celebrated her life.
I don't speak Hebrew, but I did not need to. The sounds of the ancient prayers took hold of me at my heart center and vibrated my spirit. It was a very emotional, but very beautiful service.
There were times this weekend when I felt completely overwhelmed and at times like as if I was having a minor panic attack. Every time I felt my chest tighten I came back to my practice and back to my breath. Instead of choking back tears and holding in my emotion, I let it flow, unashamed of my grief. I was very tired by the end of it all. It's hard to say goodbye. It's hard to emote and process and be social all at the same time. I did my best.
I never give myself enough credit for having weathered this storm. In fact, I don't give myself credit at all. The way I see it is that these experiences are all a part of my journey. These ups and downs are reiterative karmas of my past and things I need to sort through. All of this suffering and death is part of the process of life. As long as I am doing my best and trusting in the process, I have to believe that things will work out as they will. This sets my mind at ease.
Thank you all for allowing me the space to continue to share and grow.
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